How To Date With Disordered Eating
I remember my first time getting “ditched” last minute on a date. It was less than an hour before we were supposed to meet for a casual dinner at Noodles & Company (yes, yes...I now realize an ENTIRE dinner could be a risky idea incase we didn’t actually vibe) and he texted me something along the lines of his dad is leaving town for a week so they were having a family dinner tonight and he’d have to do a rain-check. It seemed a little off, especially after he unfollowed me and never texted back again. Perhaps I will write an entire article on online dating but the point I’m trying to get to here was, I took it personally, when in hindsight, it had nothing to do with me.
I took it as a sign that maybe he creeped me hard enough, saw what I looked like and decided it wasn’t worth his time. I started to feel rejection and pretty soon, all those feelings of disliking my body and body bashing, came flooding back. You see, when I started to put myself out there in the dating world, I had also lessen my time in the gym and stopped counting macros (IIFYM). If I couldn’t pour my energy and identity into a rigorous workout program and macronutrient tracking, I had to find something else to give me some quick validation so, dating it was.
Well that temporary high died faster than any temporary high I experienced before, I started to throw myself into this perpetual cycle of “I gained weight since last year, it’s a no wonder men aren’t attracted to me” (good Lord get this girl some therapy, right? What an awful, familiar feeling a lot of women in our society have. Fat phobia, and living up to standards of a patriarchy are all underlying issues with body image). The most uncomfortable realization out of all of this is how I still held onto this belief that body image was a validation of worth.
Although I am still learning, I am still deconstructing, I have learned a couple things in the dating game …
4 Lessons I Learned on Navigating a Romantic Healthy Relationship
1.The person you choose to be with (and chooses to be with you), is going to see you for who you really are sooner or later. There is no point in dieting, trying to lose weight (manipulating your body) while dating. I can’t tell you how many times in the beginning of relationships I would eat less. What the FUDGE is up with that? I mean nervousness aside, what the fudge am I trying to prove? Am I trying to be a dainty, petite lady who doesn’t eat more than her partner? Um, no. Sooner or later you’re going to have to see my body at its natural size and see me eat how I like to eat (and be warned, that usually means breakfast for all meals).
2. Be with a person who makes you forget about your body. I’m not naive, attraction is real, especially with the online dating world but ultimately when you first start getting to know someone, focus on what the conversation is around. Is it around your attraction for each other? (No joke I had a guy compliment my butt, tell me how “amazing” it is and I stopped him and told him to tell me what he likes about me non-physically…”You’re really cool” was the first phrase he stuttered out. Poetic). Does he/she/they ask you about your career, your hobbies, what interest you in general? If the relationship is solely based off of attraction, well that’ll die out faster than my recipe blogging career. Partnership, communication, trust, honesty, vulnerability, sharing similar values, etc. is what the relationship should be based off of.
3.Partnership vs. Ownership. I was once in a relationship in which I felt guilty for not doing what he expected. It was very much an eye-for-an-eye relationship (I do this for you, you should then do this for me). I didn’t feel like I was in a partnership, I felt more like I was “his girlfriend” (ownership) vs. “I’m Allison and this is my partner___”. It lead to a lot of emotional eating, overeating and at times, binge-eating (this is when I went through episodes of unspecified binge-eating disorder) because I didn’t know/understand what I was going through. Ladies, Men, Them, - a partnership is actively choosing someone, it is still being your independent self but knowing you have someone to share experiences with, it is steady ebbs and flows vs. fleeing highs and lows. It is doing something for your partner because you want to, not because you feel like you owe them. Want more on this topic? Mark Manson is one of my favorite authors for this topic.
4.Understanding the masculine and feminine. This topic has helped me so much on understanding balances between you and your partner and how to embrace the feminine in yourself so it pours out into your relationship. I've learned to lean into my healthy femininity (as I hold a lot of qualities that keep me from flow such as, needing to act tough, holding it all together, not asking for help, etc). I’m not the expert on this topic but Maddy Moon is an amazing podcast host who does a great job explaining this.
So, whether you have experienced disordered eating or not, I hope you keep these in mind. And of course, I hope I'm not the first one to tell you this: one of the most important relationships you need to show compassion for is yourself. Before any outside relationships can truly blossom, spend some time with yourself.
"There will always be room for growth - and to love ourselves through the process is where our courage lives." - i am her tribe
xxx,
Allison
